so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
