drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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