it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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