I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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