It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
