So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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