Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
