i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
