My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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