i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I want a musical about memes.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm really busy with my period
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