watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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