this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
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i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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