Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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