shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
