I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
