I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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