Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
