dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
