She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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