I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
