yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
