I feel great
I just peed on a car
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Randomize
