someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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