Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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