That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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