I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
