he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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