I looked at my own cervix.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
