I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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