now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
