walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
