All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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