I feel great
I just peed on a car
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
