how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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