I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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