Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
