just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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