I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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