who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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