Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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