The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
