I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
