I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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