We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
