Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
