At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
