I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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