also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
