don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
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Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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