dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
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On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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