I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
