We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
