Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
