guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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