I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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