my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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