I just cut my nipple shaving
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
