woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Vodka?
Forever.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
