I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
